One of Seiryu's
by Kaze-chan
Summary: Short fic that attempts to answer the question of what happened to Tamahome's mind after he's force-fed the kodoku. Return to Angst for Kaze-chan! Research-paper influenced. You have been warned.


  
DISCLAIMER: I'm running out of ideas for creative disclaimers. I don't own this.   
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This idea's been running around in my head since November. No kidding. I only got around to putting down on the figurative paper this week. Don't ask me why, I have no clue; it just didn't seem to want to be written. It's a short little thing, dealing with an idea I had while watching the series for the seventy-thousandth time. Verrrrrrrrry little dialogue, very little plot, very little anything (Ain't I just a great promoter?).   
My head's all messed up from doing a research paper (and I'm having to stop myself from parenthetically documenting every single sentence I type) so this is kinda strange. It's almost a return to my angst roots that were so abundant when I first came on the scene last year.   
Warnings: spoilers for a good chunk of the first season, until about episode 19, I think, or the fifth manga. Some language. Major OOC-ness, for good reasons. Some violent imagery, little dialogue, way too much thought.   
~groans, takes a deep breath, and submerges once again into the world of Lit papers~   
  


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It's all around me, swirling me away, away from myself, my memories, my past, my brothers… away from Miaka. Whatever it is, it has me in its grip and won't let me go, won't let me escape and try to save my sanity.   
That bastard, that blond bastard, he has to be behind this…   
My mind…   
going…   
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
I was out for awhile, that much I know. I have a vague memory of being hit in the back of the head, although with what and by whom remains a mystery. I raise my hand slowly to feel for bruises or painful spots, but find nothing under my probing touch. It was a very precise blow indeed to knock me out without doing me harm.   
Yui. I have to go to Yui. We have her, we finally have her, the little Suzaku brat, the evil one, the one who… I'll do my duty. But, as much as I respect Nakago-sama, I won't do it for him. I'll do it for other reasons.   
I push myself up from the bed, feeling the black clothing I've worn for months rustle around me. The bandana is also there, a solemn reminder of my vow. This is what I came to Nakago-sama for. Tonight, my vow shall finally be fulfilled. I walk out of the room, slowly, with purpose; the soldiers outside part and bow. I nod back, not interested in lackeys at the moment. They have their uses, but I do not need them now. I am better than all of them, faster, more agile, better with the weapons they do and don't use. It is because of my skills that I was received well by Nakago-sama and Heika-sama, given a high post in the army with trust placed in me. They still don't know why I am here, and I don't plan on telling them. It's for my mind alone. But whoever would have thought that such a grim beginning would lead me to light?   
Yui. _My_ Yui. She is so good to me, letting me cry when I can't hold it in any longer, treating me kindly, wanting only the best for me. I want only the best for her as well. I'll do everything in my power to make her happy, to _keep_ her happy, see her smile and hear her laugh. I have made another vow. When everything is over, I shall stay with her and make her happy. I shall go wherever she wants, eat what she tells me, keep her safe from harm. Warm people like her are often taken advantage of; I'll make sure nothing of that sort ever happens.   
I check my weapon as it rests in my belt, making sure it sits secure against the small of my back. The brat won't know what hit her until it's too late. It almost seems too easy, too merciful. She'll never know the pain, the sheer torment I went through for months, pleading to Seiryu to end my life quickly so it would be all over. She is going to die, that girl, that one named Miaka, who ordered that attack…   
I remember it all so clearly. My family and I were resting peacefully at home, when suddenly the world seemed to explode. The ground shook and the earth groaned, the trees trembling and losing their leaves in a flurry of green, a spring shower that had no sense in being there. Then came another explosion, and yet another, and we all began racing for the door, my mother and father and brother and sister and I. The roof creaked, quaked, and finally with a groan gave up its supports.   
I was the only one to make it outside.   
All around me houses were collapsing, or on fire, coloring the night sky a sickly red-orange, a parody of the bloodshed all around. I could see no one else; our small village encompassed but ten or so houses, all which were in various states of ruin. But I wasn't deaf; my friends and neighbors' screams rent and tore the air around me with the ferocity of dying beasts… which they were. I ran to the next house, trying to pull open the door, but having to jump back when a burning timber broke look from the roof and fell towards my spot. I ran, shouting, around the entire village, seeing no one but the flaming shadows, the cries of pain and screams of help still in my ears. Oh, curse the day we decided to build so far from anyone else! They wouldn't be dying if we had someone near!   
Then, up on a ridge, I spotted a break in the flames. If I waiting any longer I, too, would be killed, trapped in the fires that were beginning to blaze out of control. My family wouldn't want that. I couldn't die, not until I'd found those who'd done this and made them pay. I ran.   
I climbed the rocks, wishing the rains which were never far away would come and drench the village, maybe save _someone_. Our god Seiryu can be cruel at times, like all gods; nothing came soon enough. The far-off clouds were emitting thunder and lightening, but couldn't get close enough to rain on my village until it was too late. I bit my lip grimly and continued climbing.   
There, in the break in the rocks, they were standing, watching: five of them, of varying sizes, four men and one woman. Or girl. I was shocked to discover, as I got closer without them seeing, the girl was Miaka.   
I'd met Miaka on the road a few weeks before. It had seemed we'd become friends, I'd helped her buy food and find a place to stay for the night before she headed out for Konan the following day. I'd warned her against the idea, but she was determined, and she left just as she planned. I'd found her confusing, but never evil.   
But there she stood, watching with hard green eyes the flames dance over the ruins of the town I'd lived in. She and the men. I'd realized later that she and Yui wore the same clothing, clothing from another world. And if she was a girl from another world, than she could only have been a miko. Suzaku no Miko. And those men were her seishi.   
Evil, evil kingdom of Konan. Even at this distance I can feel your evil, the hate you radiate, the malice you perpetrate. You turned Miaka, or maybe she'd been that way all along, just using me for my knowledge. She was bloodthirsty, hungry, drinking it all in while standing on that cliff, _enjoying_ the faint screams that managed to travel that far. Her seishi must have committed the actual desecration, but she ordered it. I must have made some sound, because she looked at me without seeing who I was, and spoke. "Let your emperor know the flames of Suzaku await him!" And all five of them vanished.   
Even after months the memories haven't faded. I can still feel the edge, the triumph in her voice, barely see the faces of the men if I concentrate hard enough. They are cocky. They are overconfident. I am sure I can take one. Perhaps even kill him. As I will kill Miaka. The reason for all this destruction. The Suzaku brat. My vow will finally be filled, my family and friends shall rest in peace, and I shall help my beloved Yui gather the Seiryu seishi and call our blue dragon god, saving our land from the evil of Konan. I walk down that veranda, knowing what shall happen, not even caring that I am going to see one I called "friend" for a brief period of time. She is not friend, and never was, to cause such destruction and end the lives of so many. She must be stopped.   
And stop her I will.   
For I am one of Seiryu's.   
And I finally realize my purpose.   
  


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AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm not exactly sure if it's clear or not, so here's a brief explanation: the little bit at the beginning is right after Yui gives Tamahome the kodoku (diedu) and he's sort of passing out, but after that is when he wakes up with his memories changed. I always kinda wondered WHAT they got changed to to make him so violent towards Miaka and forget his duty as a Suzaku seishi, and so I wrote a little fic about it ~_~ Yes, I know it's short, especially for me. If it was longer, it would seem superfluous (whooooo, big word!). Hope you liked the Return to Angst!   
And so sue me, I happen to like Yui! I feel sorry for the poor girl!   



End file.
